I just want to puke my brains out…

After being through 3 previous miscarriages, it’s pretty hard to “stay calm” in future pregnancies. Since this pregnancy was basically a miracle for us (the only time in 3 years I’ve gotten pregnant on my own), I’ve actually been fairly calm. It’s felt like this is meant to be and I need not worry. Well that was all fun and sweet until……I consulted Dr Google. 

Last pregnancy I had found a great website with all these crazy abundant miscarriage facts. Wanting to know my odds, I sought it out again. (Why the hell do I care about odds? Clearly we defy them all! Hell just the fact that I’m pregnant with identical twins is enough of a defy-r (only .3% of babies are identical twins!) not to mention somehow getting pregnant with NO drugs and LITTLE sex). I wanted to know what OUR odds are since we heard healthy heartbeats (most odds don’t take RPL into account). I managed to find it though, we have about a 82% chance that these lil guys/girls will make it. That should be enough for me, right? Ohhh nooo, I proceed to read through each and every miscarriage fact they have.

Until I find this one – “Women who experience morning sickness are 70% less likely to miscarry (the worse the better)”. I haven’t really been reading into my symptoms much since I wasn’t even smart enough to realize I was pregnant until almost 6 weeks, however it had been bothering me that I am approaching 9 weeks and have yet to really be miserable. Sure, I’ve had a few moments here and there of nausea and yeah I’ve thrown up maybe 3-4 times. However, the past few days I’ve been fine. 

I know, PLENTY of people have healthy pregnancies with no morning sickness. I know, I should be GRATEFUL I don’t feel like sh*t. But I’m not, I want a constant reminder that everything is going ok in there. I want to call in to work because I’m so miserable. I want to FEEL pregnant. 

Luckily, I have an ultrasound on Monday so I don’t have to wait TOO long to make sure they are doing ok. I know it is important for me to stay calm & positive, but after going through 3 consecutive miscarriages, that is MUCH easier said than done. 

I think I could talk myself out of worrying about the lack of morning sickness if it wasn’t twins, I mean really, shouldn’t I be fairly miserable? I mean sure, I’ve been a little moody, a little tired, and my boobs are a little sore. But I want to REALLY FEEL IT! I also hate wishing away my weekend so that I can get closer to the ultrasound. I also hate the pre-ultrasound waiting. I’ve had too many horrible outcomes at ultrasounds to ever really enjoy them. Ugh, it’s making me dread it already. 

Assuming all is well, I am going to BEG for one last ultrasound with my clinic. My OBGYN is not very liberal with ultrasounds and I really need assurance that they are fine every 2-3 weeks to prevent me from going crazy. If they won’t, I may not see them again until week 20 and that just won’t do. We actually looked into buying an ultrasound machine – THAT is how nuts we are at this point. 

I’d just like to be able to enjoy this, just for a second.



What’s in a number?

So I’m going back for another beta today. I know you technically should wait two days, but we’re out of town tomorrow. Plus, my clinic hasn’t even called me back to tell me what to do now that we got the first beta back. Gee thanks guys. The only reason I know what the first beta number was is because I got it drawn through the hospital rather than my clinic so I was able to check the results online. 

I know they say the doubling of the HCG is more important than the actual number itself. Which I do agree with, but when I compare my numbers to my last pregnancy, they just seem so low. Granted that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, so I guess I shouldn’t go by that. After some extensive googling I’ve decided I will be semi-sorta-kinda-optimistic that I could STILL be pregnant if my number has increased by 25% since yesterday.

The number we’re hoping for? 3800. If it’s 3800 or higher, I’ll hang on to some hope. If its between 3300-3800 I’ll be stuck in ambiguity land. And if its the same or lower than yesterdays 3140, I’ll know it’s time to call it. 

Still can’t believe I was even pregnant to begin with. Oh the irony. My husband is texting me the results (hopefully he’ll be feverishly hitting the refresh button) while I am hopefully taking my mind off all this at dinner and a play with my mom and sister (mom has no idea about any of this, sister does). As soon as I get home, I’ll post a quick update. 

I can’t even give these things away….

So I purposely left out a funny thing that happened at our nurse IVF consultation from my post yesterday as it seemed to warrant it’s own post in my fantastic humble opinion.

We’re in the middle of signing all of the consent forms and we get to the bit about what we want done with the extra embryos. We consent to having any extras frozen (and paying to do so). But then she gets to the part about what happens if we have embryos leftover that we don’t want to use. First of all, that to me is a DREAM scenario. If we have leftover embryos that means that –

A) I’ve had a baby only doing one fresh cycle (and possibly multiple FETs)

B) I’ve had more than one baby (we want at least 2 and up to 4, if possible)

C) We’re done with infertility treatments!

I honestly don’t see that happening with just one fresh cycle. But, I SUPPOSE it’s possible. She proceeds tell us the options of what can be done with leftovers (I think I need to come up with a better word, sounds like I’m talking about old chicken and potatoes) and says that currently there are no scientific studies accepting embryos (but usually there are). Well we are probably YEARS away from being about to say we’re done having children so I’m in no rush for a scientific study to come available. Then she gets to my husband preferred option, donating to another couple.

Before we can say a thing, she CROSSES OUT THAT OPTION on our paper!  She says because of our RPL, it is VERY unlikely they would be able to match up our embryos with anyone. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here we are wanting to be good IF community members and potentially donate our leftover embryos to a couple less fortunate than us (who can at least get to that point), but nope! So that folks, is how bad my eggs are apparently, I can’t even give them away! Can’t say that really helped my faith in IVF working for us!

It definitely initially stung, but like with most IF things, I find it rather hilarious now. So if you are looking for an embryo donor, sorry friends, it is not me!