After being through 3 previous miscarriages, it’s pretty hard to “stay calm” in future pregnancies. Since this pregnancy was basically a miracle for us (the only time in 3 years I’ve gotten pregnant on my own), I’ve actually been fairly calm. It’s felt like this is meant to be and I need not worry. Well that was all fun and sweet until……I consulted Dr Google.
Last pregnancy I had found a great website with all these crazy abundant miscarriage facts. Wanting to know my odds, I sought it out again. (Why the hell do I care about odds? Clearly we defy them all! Hell just the fact that I’m pregnant with identical twins is enough of a defy-r (only .3% of babies are identical twins!) not to mention somehow getting pregnant with NO drugs and LITTLE sex). I wanted to know what OUR odds are since we heard healthy heartbeats (most odds don’t take RPL into account). I managed to find it though, we have about a 82% chance that these lil guys/girls will make it. That should be enough for me, right? Ohhh nooo, I proceed to read through each and every miscarriage fact they have.
Until I find this one – “Women who experience morning sickness are 70% less likely to miscarry (the worse the better)”. I haven’t really been reading into my symptoms much since I wasn’t even smart enough to realize I was pregnant until almost 6 weeks, however it had been bothering me that I am approaching 9 weeks and have yet to really be miserable. Sure, I’ve had a few moments here and there of nausea and yeah I’ve thrown up maybe 3-4 times. However, the past few days I’ve been fine.
I know, PLENTY of people have healthy pregnancies with no morning sickness. I know, I should be GRATEFUL I don’t feel like sh*t. But I’m not, I want a constant reminder that everything is going ok in there. I want to call in to work because I’m so miserable. I want to FEEL pregnant.
Luckily, I have an ultrasound on Monday so I don’t have to wait TOO long to make sure they are doing ok. I know it is important for me to stay calm & positive, but after going through 3 consecutive miscarriages, that is MUCH easier said than done.
I think I could talk myself out of worrying about the lack of morning sickness if it wasn’t twins, I mean really, shouldn’t I be fairly miserable? I mean sure, I’ve been a little moody, a little tired, and my boobs are a little sore. But I want to REALLY FEEL IT! I also hate wishing away my weekend so that I can get closer to the ultrasound. I also hate the pre-ultrasound waiting. I’ve had too many horrible outcomes at ultrasounds to ever really enjoy them. Ugh, it’s making me dread it already.
Assuming all is well, I am going to BEG for one last ultrasound with my clinic. My OBGYN is not very liberal with ultrasounds and I really need assurance that they are fine every 2-3 weeks to prevent me from going crazy. If they won’t, I may not see them again until week 20 and that just won’t do. We actually looked into buying an ultrasound machine – THAT is how nuts we are at this point.
I’d just like to be able to enjoy this, just for a second.