AF, you’re a miserable bitch

99% of the time, the crimson tide is the antithesis of what we hope for in our infertility journeys. However in certain scenarios, we need shark week to be on in order to proceed. If you’ll recall, I took my last provera LAST FRIDAY. That was FIVE DAYS AGO! Please help me understand why I have yet to get my monthly visitor

Last night I went to bed with some slight cramping in my lady parts. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and the cramps were still there enough. They were strong enough that I was FLOORED when there was not even the slightest of pinks on the toilet paper. Nothing wakes you up like finding out you were not invited to the red party at Club Menses. Today the cramps are totally gone and still no invite. 

I JUST WANT TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! I think I’ll call the RE office tomorrow and see what I should do. I’d call today but I don’t want to be told that I have to take another rag-starter that will last another 10+ days. I should have asked for aygestin from the start since I’ve had success with that in the past, but I figured all red river-starters were about the same. GAHHH! 

This is just so infuriating because man, if my body can’t even do this right, how can I expect it to ever make/carry a baby? Hoping that all my anger/irritation today is because I’m checking into the Red Roof Inn and this is all just PMS. However I’m pretty sure this is justified frustration, so maybe not.

Euphemism for period = 8

 

 

Last day of provera!

The last time I had to take meds to get AF to visit, I took aygestin. So of course I have a bunch of notes on how quickly she showed up after the last pill. However, I’ve never taken provera today so I’m not exactly sure what to expect. Is it unrealistic to hope it comes by Monday? I gotta get this pre-procedure month going before I go CRAZY! 

I’m hoping the wait til IVF won’t be so bad when I at least have things to accomplish (mock embryo transfer, bloodwork, order IVF meds, etc). I am also REALLY hoping that I’ll get my IVF schedule once we know CD1. It is killing me to not know when it’s going to take place. Granted, I’m not looking forward to all the shots/pain/mood swings/bloating, but I hate limbo too. Oh and I am giving up caffiene, booze & sugar as soon as AF shows, so I’ll  miss them too. Pros and cons. 

Have a good weekend everyone!

I’d rather eat at my desk

For the first time in a few months, I went out to lunch with a group of coworkers. Going out with this group can be a bit risky as 3 of the 4 are parents with small children. Our Their conversations typically consist of who got puked on the most or who’s baby did the cutest thing ever. All 4 of these folks are at least aware of our IF and know varying levels of details (2 of the 4 know most of the gory details). Of course I don’t except them to not talk about their children because I’m around, but I don’t think it’s out of line to hope for SOME sensitivity.

I mentioned 3 of the 4 having small children, the other is a close-ish friend (CF) who just got married this January. I had just made reference to IVF (I swear I do talk about other things…) and not 2 minutes later someone suggested we do a baby pool for CF. This kicked off a long discussion about when CF would have a baby and that perhaps she was currently expecting. Their were jokes about doing statistical analysis on several factors that would determine when a baby would come. In CF’s defense, she didn’t ham up the conversation and seemed even put off by it (not sure if that was for my benefit or if she was actually offended). Hmmm….just now as I’m typing this out I’m wondering if she was defensive because she is expecting. Hell. 

Anyway, I think what bugged me most is just the assumption that she’ll (and anyone else – EXCEPT me) have a baby whenever she likes. What I really wanted to say in response to all this baby pool talk was, “good thing you guys didn’t do one for me, nobody would have ever won!”. The words were in my mouth, but I couldn’t bring myself to vocalize the bitter IF girl that I really am. Also, I wasn’t sure of baby pool rules, like is it price as right style? If so, no one really would have won (who guesses over 3 years?). But if it’s just the closest to the date I suppose there would have been a winner (whoever had the latest date). Anyway I realize that no one would have taken it that literally (who would keep a pool going for 3 years anyway?) but I didn’t know if the statement would have the zing I wanted it to if it didn’t make sense. YES – I over think things 🙂

Now I remember why I stopped going to these group lunches, I’m just too sensitive right now. Better to save my pennies for IVF anyway!

I won’t unfollow you

My gut reaction has always been to unfollow those of you lucky enough to get pregnant, however I’ve never actually gone through with it. I may not read your posts on “what foods you’re craving” and I may cringe at your belly shots, but I won’t unfollow you. At the end of the day, I am happy that I have actual tangible proof that IVF (and other IF treatments) work. Since I’ve become active in this community (just a few short months), a large number of people I follow have already gotten their BFP! This is a GOOD thing for all of us. Sure, it may not be our my turn yet, but hopefully that day will come! 

It’s nice to actually be happy for someone else to be pregnant, feel privileged, you are the ONLY ones! I can’t imagine the day when I’ll be happy for a fertile to get pregnant, but I never thought I’d be happy for anyone. This is progress people! 

 

Provera Day 4 – Feelin shitty

Since my body is apparently unaware I’m a female, I have to take provera to start AF since I wasn’t on any meds last month and hence didn’t ovulate. Nothing makes you feel like a woman like being unable to have a baby or even get a period, HA! This is my rational to buy as many skirts & dresses as my closet can hold, I need to at least dress feminine. 

I gave myself an extra few days for AF to come on her own, since the medicated route takes at least a week. But to no avail. Originally nurse Invisalign (I think I shall call her this, after writing my original post about her) had called in a prescription for prometrium, but I discovered that would cost me $100 vs $5 for provera. A quick call through my clinic’s IVF line and it was corrected for me. 

I did however, forget that provera messes with my head – quite literally. I struggle with migraines as it is and provera does NOT help. So since I started taking them, I’ve basically had a constant migraine (with varying levels of pain). Currently it’s totally manageable, but I am not my chipper self (yes – I am annoyingly able to remain chipper through all this IF BS). Sunday however, I had one of the worst migraine episodes ever. I woke up every hour in agonizing pain and went on to spend the majority of the day in bed. Which was a major bummer considering it was a LOVELY 78 and sunny outside. 

Anyway, I just want AF to come so I can start my pre-procedure month. Although, pre-procedure month means birth control and my head does not tolerate that well either. So basically I just need to prepare to feel shitty for the foreseeable future. I’d rather feel like hell and actually be in the IVF process than feel great and do nothing, so I guess there’s that. 

I can’t even give these things away….

So I purposely left out a funny thing that happened at our nurse IVF consultation from my post yesterday as it seemed to warrant it’s own post in my fantastic humble opinion.

We’re in the middle of signing all of the consent forms and we get to the bit about what we want done with the extra embryos. We consent to having any extras frozen (and paying to do so). But then she gets to the part about what happens if we have embryos leftover that we don’t want to use. First of all, that to me is a DREAM scenario. If we have leftover embryos that means that –

A) I’ve had a baby only doing one fresh cycle (and possibly multiple FETs)

B) I’ve had more than one baby (we want at least 2 and up to 4, if possible)

C) We’re done with infertility treatments!

I honestly don’t see that happening with just one fresh cycle. But, I SUPPOSE it’s possible. She proceeds tell us the options of what can be done with leftovers (I think I need to come up with a better word, sounds like I’m talking about old chicken and potatoes) and says that currently there are no scientific studies accepting embryos (but usually there are). Well we are probably YEARS away from being about to say we’re done having children so I’m in no rush for a scientific study to come available. Then she gets to my husband preferred option, donating to another couple.

Before we can say a thing, she CROSSES OUT THAT OPTION on our paper!  She says because of our RPL, it is VERY unlikely they would be able to match up our embryos with anyone. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here we are wanting to be good IF community members and potentially donate our leftover embryos to a couple less fortunate than us (who can at least get to that point), but nope! So that folks, is how bad my eggs are apparently, I can’t even give them away! Can’t say that really helped my faith in IVF working for us!

It definitely initially stung, but like with most IF things, I find it rather hilarious now. So if you are looking for an embryo donor, sorry friends, it is not me!

 

Nurse IVF Consultation – FINALLY!

It’s been a long couple of weeks waiting for this appointment, but it finally came! We arrived promptly at 8:55 am yesterday and were in a consult room with the IVF nurse by 9:05. There are 4 different IVF nurses at my clinic and you get to “choose” 1 or 2 to work with, so I approached this appointment as somewhat of an informal interview for her. Off the bat she had a couple of red flags

– A bit frazzled. She forgot to put her nametag on and she asked us if her teeth were whistling mid sentence.

– She wears invisalign. Those rubberbands are SO distracting to me!

-We almost witnessed her choke on a mint (on the plus side, she took it to save us from her coffee breath).

Scatterbrained. She forgot what she was talking about a couple of times and was easily side-tracked.

But overall, I still liked her. She was easy to talk to, happy to answer our questions, and didn’t talk down to us. She also recognized that we’d done our research and seemed to appreciate it. For now, she’ll stay in the running.

Back to the reason why were were actually there – paperwork, understanding the process, and scheduling. Really there were no surprises during the appointment, other than the amount of different types of injections. I knew it was a lot, but it’s like 5 different kinds!!!!  Two of which I have to do together (gonal-f & menopur) for over a week. I wish I would have counted the total injections, but I think it’s going to be around 36.

I’ve never wanted AF to come so bad in my life! Can’t get started on the pre-procedure month until she does. Going to give myself a couple of days and then I’ll try prometrium to get it going. Then, a couple of weeks of birth control while we do some testing (bloodwork, mock embryo transfer, and ultrasound). THEN we can get started on the real deal. So, I’m hoping for the actual transfer to be early to mid July, which she seemed to think was very feasible.

So, I should probably start getting back to a healthier diet, cutting out caffeine, and taking a few more walks during the week. I’m going to enjoy the long holiday weekend with my friends and family (have ONE beer) and then I’ll go cold turkey on all things amazing & fun bad for me.

You get my Blu ray collection, all of my dishes, and….my embryos

Since our nurse consultation is tomorrow, I thought I should finally go through the large folder of legal paperwork the doctor gave us to complete. Most of it was fairly standard (as far as signing away for doctors to put a tiny being inside you goes) but then I came across the sheet which determines who gets the embryos in all sorts of different cases. First up was consent to give one spouse the embryos if the other spouse dies.  Ok I’m with ya there, pretty cut and dry.

Next? What happens to them if we get divorced. No, that’s not an awkward thing to consider at all. I know it is probably a real concern all too often. Infertility is tough and it takes a strong relationship to endure it. I of course don’t think we’ll ever get divorced (hopefully no one in this position PLANS on getting divorced), but since they are forcing us to make a choice we had to discuss it. Husband really wants them so that he can ensure they get donated to a couple vs science (my preference would be science). Sorry, I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life walking around town wondering if every child that bears any resemblance to me is actually mine, #selfish.  Anyway, I know that we won’t get divorced so this will not be the hill I die on, husband gets them in the event of a divorce.

Finally, who do the embryos go to if we both die?  Talk about things my 18 year old self would never believe I’d have to consider. Sheesh!  Anyway, since we would want them to be used if possible, we will leave them to my baby sister. She is single and doesn’t plan to marry (we hope she changes her mind). If she’d like to use them for herself, that is fine (and my preference). Otherwise she may donate them to another couple. So last night she got the text, “hey you cool with getting our embryos if we both die?”. I wish I could have seen her reaction, that’s gotta be one of the most random texts she’ll ever receive. She did agree though.

This is why I’ve procrastinated on cracking open this folder. I really just wanted to lay on the couch and turn off my brain by enjoying Monday’s favorite guilty pleasure (the bachelorette). Instead, I have to consider the fate of our embryos in the case of all sorts of terrible scenarios (confession – I did it during the commercials). What a strange life us IF gals lead!

Grandmama Crawley speaks the truth

We are OBSESSED with Downton Abbey, but we were late to the party so we’ve been binge watching to catch up on Amazon Prime. We just started season 3, so no spoilers if you want to remain in my good graces! Last night the Dowager Countess of Grantham said a line that really stuck with me. 

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Boy is she right! I can tell already my hopes for IVF are far too high. I need to get a healthy dose of realty between now and then to bring me back to earth. Otherwise, I’m in for a MAJOR fall. 

PS – If you don’t already watch it, I would HIGHLY recommend Downton. 

Settle down honey!

Since I’m currently stuck in a holding pattern until our nurse IVF coordination meeting (ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!), I have nothing to do but endlessly “research” IVF. Like most of you I’m sure, I’ve spent the last 28 months of my life combing through the internet to find out more about whatever flavor of the month treatment I’m doing. My husband however, has just never really been that into it. I think he got sorta into trying to find reasons for our RPL, but other than that he’s never been overly interested in our treatment. I can’t say I blame him, if you’re not the one taking the pills/shots I’m sure it isn’t all that interesting. 

For whatever reason (the ridiculous amount of money, the multitude of medications, the better odds, or just the overall complexity) he’s been much more interested in understanding IVF. Which I think is great, it’s nice to see him be a little obsessive and not leave me all alone in the pool of crazy. So yesterday he told me I should check out this infertility thread on reddit. So while he played video games, I sat next to him on the couch while I looked through this thread. 

I’m mostly interested in just what all to expect with IVF, the medication schedule, the different appointments, how many embryos you want, etc. I found a really good post about all of the things no one told her would happen, like the crazy bloating and the need for fat pants. She also mentions the need to have multiple people ready to do injections in case your husband is away since you can’t give them to yourself since they need to be in your butt.

When we first started with injectables (for TI & IUI)  I was so disappointed I could do them to myself (in the stomach) because it seemed like it’d be much less traumatic to just have husband do them. Anyway, this completely delighted me that he could actually help out and do at least some of the shots for me. So I enthusiastically said to him, “honey! you get to do me in the butt!”, thinking he’d know what I was talking about as he knew I was researching IVF on the site HE had recommended, I didn’t bother to choose my words carefully. “What? Why? When?” he responds and it’s obvious he doesn’t know I’m talking about needles. So I correct him and he says with the most defeated look, “you can’t say things like that, it’s just not nice”. HA! He was pretty bummed, but I got a good laugh at least!

So ladies, choose your words wisely 😉