What’s in a number?

So I’m going back for another beta today. I know you technically should wait two days, but we’re out of town tomorrow. Plus, my clinic hasn’t even called me back to tell me what to do now that we got the first beta back. Gee thanks guys. The only reason I know what the first beta number was is because I got it drawn through the hospital rather than my clinic so I was able to check the results online. 

I know they say the doubling of the HCG is more important than the actual number itself. Which I do agree with, but when I compare my numbers to my last pregnancy, they just seem so low. Granted that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, so I guess I shouldn’t go by that. After some extensive googling I’ve decided I will be semi-sorta-kinda-optimistic that I could STILL be pregnant if my number has increased by 25% since yesterday.

The number we’re hoping for? 3800. If it’s 3800 or higher, I’ll hang on to some hope. If its between 3300-3800 I’ll be stuck in ambiguity land. And if its the same or lower than yesterdays 3140, I’ll know it’s time to call it. 

Still can’t believe I was even pregnant to begin with. Oh the irony. My husband is texting me the results (hopefully he’ll be feverishly hitting the refresh button) while I am hopefully taking my mind off all this at dinner and a play with my mom and sister (mom has no idea about any of this, sister does). As soon as I get home, I’ll post a quick update. 

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AF, you’re a miserable bitch

99% of the time, the crimson tide is the antithesis of what we hope for in our infertility journeys. However in certain scenarios, we need shark week to be on in order to proceed. If you’ll recall, I took my last provera LAST FRIDAY. That was FIVE DAYS AGO! Please help me understand why I have yet to get my monthly visitor

Last night I went to bed with some slight cramping in my lady parts. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and the cramps were still there enough. They were strong enough that I was FLOORED when there was not even the slightest of pinks on the toilet paper. Nothing wakes you up like finding out you were not invited to the red party at Club Menses. Today the cramps are totally gone and still no invite. 

I JUST WANT TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! I think I’ll call the RE office tomorrow and see what I should do. I’d call today but I don’t want to be told that I have to take another rag-starter that will last another 10+ days. I should have asked for aygestin from the start since I’ve had success with that in the past, but I figured all red river-starters were about the same. GAHHH! 

This is just so infuriating because man, if my body can’t even do this right, how can I expect it to ever make/carry a baby? Hoping that all my anger/irritation today is because I’m checking into the Red Roof Inn and this is all just PMS. However I’m pretty sure this is justified frustration, so maybe not.

Euphemism for period = 8

 

 

Oh STFU

I have this “friend” that posts all of her whining, complaining, poor me, bad day, bitching, gossip  dirty laundry on facebook. For the most part, we have fun with it. Husband and I like to play this game we call “Guess who said this?”. One of us reads an obnoxious facebook post and the other has to guess who posted it. She’s been the correct answer at least 50% of the time, if that gives you a frame of reference to the extent of her posts. She’s been married for around 6 months (to a good friend of my husband, who we both really love, which is why we tolerate her) and we believe (based on her oversharing on facebook) they’ve been trying to get pregnant for perhaps the last 3-4 months AT MOST. 

Recently she posted an article on facebook about a woman going from a wife to a mommy and tagged her husband said “are you ready for this? lol”.  Then the following conversation happened in the comments – 

Friend of hers – “are you preggo?”

“Friend” – “no, are you?”

Friend of hers – “no”

“Friend” – “Well hopefully soon for both of us.”

Ok I know, it’s not that bad. But this sort of thing drives me CRAZY. I can’t even put my finger on exactly why, but I know approximately 6.4 eyerolls occurred while reading this. Mostly because, SHE’S BEEN TRYING FOR MERE MINUTES! I think it’s also because I know she’s going to either be the most annoying pregnant woman EVER or the whiniest “feel bad for me” IF person in the ENTIRE WORLD. I can see her pregnant posts now –

“I’m 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant today! I feel so sick, it’s like I’m dying. The only thing that made me happy today is spending 6 hours shopping for maternity clothes! Ugh I have to go throw up for the billionth time today!”

“Only 187 days until we meet our baby! Check out this mobile I made for the nursery. Isn’t it like the cutest thing ever? I am so talented and crafty because I can copy ideas off pinterest!” 

Or the IF posts –

“I can’t believe we’ve been trying for a whole SEVEN MONTHS and not gotten pregnant. I even stopped drinking pop (except for 4 on the weekends). I wish people would pay more attention to my problems.”

“Ugh another negative! I’ve had to buy TWO boxes of pregnancy tests, those things are expensive! Speaking of expensive, my copay to see my OBGYN was $25! UGH!”

Ok, ok so those are a bit tongue and cheek, but I bet I’m not THAT far off. I’d block her, but then what material would we use for “Guess who said that?” 

 

Life without kids

99% of the time I spend picturing how certain events or moments would be better with kids. I really try to appreciate this time with just my husband and no real obligations, but that’s easier said than done. Our typical lifestyle is very baby/kid friendly as we often prefer to just hang out around our house, be with just each other and go to bed at a reasonable time. This weekend however, was not at all typical for us – and would have never happened if we had a baby.

On Friday we went to a local minor league baseball game. My MIL’s company sponsors an event every year so it meant free tickets and hot dogs for us (#lovefreestuff). I am a huge hot dog fan and let me tell you, these were a home run (get it – baseball game, home run – ha!).Anyway 2 of my 3 SIL were in attendance as well as our nephew and BIL. Our BIL & SIL had to leave early as it was our nephews bedtime, so we got in some good bonding time with my SIL. We were having fun so we decided to keep the party going after the game and head to a bar nearby (yes, I’m drinking until AF arrives, don’t judge). We had really great conversation for a few hours. We told her that we’d be going through IVF, we talked about our family dynamic, and really covered quite a bit. It was really nice AND we didn’t get home until almost 1 am! We haven’t been out that late in probably a year!

Saturday we went to pick out a new suit for an interview the husband has this week. It was actually pretty fun and didn’t take long at all, but DAMN those things are expensive! But he looked pretty effin handsome, so it was totally worth it. Then we went to a parade of open houses around town. It’s something our city does in the Spring and Fall to showcase all of the local builders. We’ve done it a few times and it is always fun. This time, I mostly was envisioning what kind of house we’d want if we aren’t able to have children. I like the idea of building a smaller, cozy yet entertaining friendly, house on a lake. I saw one room in particular I really liked –

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Doesn’t that seem like a great space for me to do my paper crafting? Plus I just liked the simple modern vibe and I LOVED the wall hanging. I love it even more now after the adventurous weekend we had (hold tight – the adventure part is coming!). All in all, we saw 10 houses and that was just enough. Then we went over to my uncle’s house, grilled out some dinner, and fished off his pontoon for a while. He invited us to go canoeing Sunday morning, but we we were pretty hesitant as our weekend had already been so busy.

Then a little voice in my head reminded me that we hopefully only have a short time left of “carefree” living so we should take these opportunities when they come. So we agreed to canoeing bright and early Sunday morning (ok, ok really it was 10:30 – but we had had back to back late nights!). He said we wouldn’t regret it and boy was he right. We had just an absolute blast! It had been years since my husband or I had canoed so it took us a bit to get our bearings. I did fall out early on and hit my arm pretty good on a rock. I had a nasty giant golf ball size bump for a while, but now it just looks a wussy couple of scratches (so much for my battle scar!). It was such a pretty river and the weather was just perfect. Then we had our little canoe group over for another BBQ and then were finally by ourselves cuddled up in bed by 8pm.

Can’t remember the last time we were THAT busy! But man, we sure had fun. Although we both feel pretty miserable today – itchy from from mosquito bites, sore from paddling/falling, tired from not nearly enough sleep, and just generally “off” from a few too beers on the river. So worth it though! I was also proud of us for making the most of this time without kids. It was also helpful to see what our lives might be like if we never have them. Maybe we will buy some kayaks and some overpriced name brand sportware and become super ourdoorsy! It’s just important for me to know that we’d be able to live – metaphorically and literally – our lives without kids. Our first choice would always be to be parents, but that may not be a choice we get to make.

I’d rather eat at my desk

For the first time in a few months, I went out to lunch with a group of coworkers. Going out with this group can be a bit risky as 3 of the 4 are parents with small children. Our Their conversations typically consist of who got puked on the most or who’s baby did the cutest thing ever. All 4 of these folks are at least aware of our IF and know varying levels of details (2 of the 4 know most of the gory details). Of course I don’t except them to not talk about their children because I’m around, but I don’t think it’s out of line to hope for SOME sensitivity.

I mentioned 3 of the 4 having small children, the other is a close-ish friend (CF) who just got married this January. I had just made reference to IVF (I swear I do talk about other things…) and not 2 minutes later someone suggested we do a baby pool for CF. This kicked off a long discussion about when CF would have a baby and that perhaps she was currently expecting. Their were jokes about doing statistical analysis on several factors that would determine when a baby would come. In CF’s defense, she didn’t ham up the conversation and seemed even put off by it (not sure if that was for my benefit or if she was actually offended). Hmmm….just now as I’m typing this out I’m wondering if she was defensive because she is expecting. Hell. 

Anyway, I think what bugged me most is just the assumption that she’ll (and anyone else – EXCEPT me) have a baby whenever she likes. What I really wanted to say in response to all this baby pool talk was, “good thing you guys didn’t do one for me, nobody would have ever won!”. The words were in my mouth, but I couldn’t bring myself to vocalize the bitter IF girl that I really am. Also, I wasn’t sure of baby pool rules, like is it price as right style? If so, no one really would have won (who guesses over 3 years?). But if it’s just the closest to the date I suppose there would have been a winner (whoever had the latest date). Anyway I realize that no one would have taken it that literally (who would keep a pool going for 3 years anyway?) but I didn’t know if the statement would have the zing I wanted it to if it didn’t make sense. YES – I over think things 🙂

Now I remember why I stopped going to these group lunches, I’m just too sensitive right now. Better to save my pennies for IVF anyway!

You get my Blu ray collection, all of my dishes, and….my embryos

Since our nurse consultation is tomorrow, I thought I should finally go through the large folder of legal paperwork the doctor gave us to complete. Most of it was fairly standard (as far as signing away for doctors to put a tiny being inside you goes) but then I came across the sheet which determines who gets the embryos in all sorts of different cases. First up was consent to give one spouse the embryos if the other spouse dies.  Ok I’m with ya there, pretty cut and dry.

Next? What happens to them if we get divorced. No, that’s not an awkward thing to consider at all. I know it is probably a real concern all too often. Infertility is tough and it takes a strong relationship to endure it. I of course don’t think we’ll ever get divorced (hopefully no one in this position PLANS on getting divorced), but since they are forcing us to make a choice we had to discuss it. Husband really wants them so that he can ensure they get donated to a couple vs science (my preference would be science). Sorry, I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life walking around town wondering if every child that bears any resemblance to me is actually mine, #selfish.  Anyway, I know that we won’t get divorced so this will not be the hill I die on, husband gets them in the event of a divorce.

Finally, who do the embryos go to if we both die?  Talk about things my 18 year old self would never believe I’d have to consider. Sheesh!  Anyway, since we would want them to be used if possible, we will leave them to my baby sister. She is single and doesn’t plan to marry (we hope she changes her mind). If she’d like to use them for herself, that is fine (and my preference). Otherwise she may donate them to another couple. So last night she got the text, “hey you cool with getting our embryos if we both die?”. I wish I could have seen her reaction, that’s gotta be one of the most random texts she’ll ever receive. She did agree though.

This is why I’ve procrastinated on cracking open this folder. I really just wanted to lay on the couch and turn off my brain by enjoying Monday’s favorite guilty pleasure (the bachelorette). Instead, I have to consider the fate of our embryos in the case of all sorts of terrible scenarios (confession – I did it during the commercials). What a strange life us IF gals lead!

Grandmama Crawley speaks the truth

We are OBSESSED with Downton Abbey, but we were late to the party so we’ve been binge watching to catch up on Amazon Prime. We just started season 3, so no spoilers if you want to remain in my good graces! Last night the Dowager Countess of Grantham said a line that really stuck with me. 

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Boy is she right! I can tell already my hopes for IVF are far too high. I need to get a healthy dose of realty between now and then to bring me back to earth. Otherwise, I’m in for a MAJOR fall. 

PS – If you don’t already watch it, I would HIGHLY recommend Downton. 

Settle down honey!

Since I’m currently stuck in a holding pattern until our nurse IVF coordination meeting (ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!), I have nothing to do but endlessly “research” IVF. Like most of you I’m sure, I’ve spent the last 28 months of my life combing through the internet to find out more about whatever flavor of the month treatment I’m doing. My husband however, has just never really been that into it. I think he got sorta into trying to find reasons for our RPL, but other than that he’s never been overly interested in our treatment. I can’t say I blame him, if you’re not the one taking the pills/shots I’m sure it isn’t all that interesting. 

For whatever reason (the ridiculous amount of money, the multitude of medications, the better odds, or just the overall complexity) he’s been much more interested in understanding IVF. Which I think is great, it’s nice to see him be a little obsessive and not leave me all alone in the pool of crazy. So yesterday he told me I should check out this infertility thread on reddit. So while he played video games, I sat next to him on the couch while I looked through this thread. 

I’m mostly interested in just what all to expect with IVF, the medication schedule, the different appointments, how many embryos you want, etc. I found a really good post about all of the things no one told her would happen, like the crazy bloating and the need for fat pants. She also mentions the need to have multiple people ready to do injections in case your husband is away since you can’t give them to yourself since they need to be in your butt.

When we first started with injectables (for TI & IUI)  I was so disappointed I could do them to myself (in the stomach) because it seemed like it’d be much less traumatic to just have husband do them. Anyway, this completely delighted me that he could actually help out and do at least some of the shots for me. So I enthusiastically said to him, “honey! you get to do me in the butt!”, thinking he’d know what I was talking about as he knew I was researching IVF on the site HE had recommended, I didn’t bother to choose my words carefully. “What? Why? When?” he responds and it’s obvious he doesn’t know I’m talking about needles. So I correct him and he says with the most defeated look, “you can’t say things like that, it’s just not nice”. HA! He was pretty bummed, but I got a good laugh at least!

So ladies, choose your words wisely 😉

Husband for the win!

I always wake up before my husband (I’ve got to think of a nickname to use for him on here) on the weekends. But I slept in a bit Sunday morning as I had a migraine the night before, so when he woke up at the same time as I did it didn’t faze me. With very cute sleepy eyes he asked if I could feed the dog because he was acting hungry. So I went into the closet where we keep the bin of dog food and on top of the bin was a gift bag with a card.

My husband is more of a show-his-love-everyday kinda guy rather than a big gesture guy. I was not at all expecting anything for mother’s day, and I don’t mean the “oh you shouldn’t have” not expecting, it actually never crossed my mind. So, you can imagine my surprise when I saw the bag & card there. I brought it back into bed, where my husband was still laying, to open.

The card was from “the dog” and inside was a letter about what a good mother I was. I should probably mention that we are obsessed with our dog and have developed a personality/voice for him that we use daily. He mentioned things like enjoying our nightly snuggles and how I let him take as long as he likes smelling things on our walks. Folks, my tear ducts are not broken! Massive alligator tears alert! The letter ended with a P.S. saying he sent dad with a list to the store of things he thought I’d like. Here’s what was inside –

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The rawhides cracked me up, husband said he just followed the dog’s list so what was he to do? As I was opening it up, the dog stuck his head all the way into the bag, I knew something must be for him. Anyway, it was just hilarious because if my dog could have actually bought me a gift, I think these were all things he really would have gotten.

So, husband for the win! It really wasn’t a bad day, how could it be when I have someone who loves me that much? It was definitely in the top 3 sweetest things he’s ever done and I will never forget it. Now to decide what to spend my gift card on at Marshalls J

Why I won’t become a Catholic

Throughout my life, I’ve always been somewhat tied to the Catholic church. My father was raised Catholic (converted for my mom), as a child my grandparents took me to Catholic mass, I almost exclusively dated Catholics (I have no idea why), and I am now married to a Catholic. I’ve always liked Catholics, they aren’t overly touchy feely about their faith. They also don’t take issue with drinking or gambling (in moderation of course). Nothing I love more than a Catholic casino night (25 cent bingo with $1 beers, don’t mind if I do!).  Oh, and they have damn good fish frys during Lent. Sign me up!

I really didn’t want a Catholic wedding, if you’ve been to one you know why, so I thought I’d wait until after we got married to convert to avoid pressure from my grandma and MIL.  They have this convenient (for me) rule that non-Catholics can’t get married in a Catholic church, so it wouldn’t be an option for us. The process to become a Catholic isn’t nearly as easy as it is to join a protest church. There is a weekly class you have to attend for several month, so I’ve been procrastinating.

I really never thought we’d have to do IVF, so the Catholic church’s opinions on it were just never on my radar. However now that we’ll definitely be utilizing it, and hope to have a child through it, I certainly can’t ignore them any longer. Basically the Catholic church prohibits (that’s right, they don’t just discourage, they prohibit!) IVF for two main reasons, 1) children should only be born as a result of sex, 2) what is done with excess embryos. If you’d like to read their exact stance, you can do so here.

Reason 1 is just flat out ridiculous. If you think reason 1 is valid, then you should also be against cancer treatment. If you think IVF is playing God, then keeping someone alive with chemo must be too. For that matter, any medication/device/treatment that extends life should be classified as playing God, right? My opinion is this, God gave us the skills to develop these technologies so we could use them. I refuse to believe that God would rather have me be childless than utilize ART.

Reason 2 I can at least understand why they have to have that position. But at the same time, what percent of couples actually have extra embryos anyway?  I realize a lot of people do, but I bet it’s not over 70%. And even if there are extra embryos, there are options that don’t result in simply destroying them. Almost all other denominations are just fine with IVF, so I am sure there are other arguments I’m missing for why this isn’t enough to prohibit something.

Finally, the Catholic church puts SO much emphasis on procreating, how dare they prohibit IVF?  You can’t preach and preach about the importance of having children, the joys of having children, and then take away the only means I have to have a child. I attended a Catholic wedding once where the priest mentioned in his lecture that a marriage without children wasn’t truly a marriage in God’s eyes or something ridiculous like that. Luckily that was years before I knew I’d struggle with IF or I would have made headlines for punching a priest.

So unless the Catholic church changes its stance, I won’t become a Catholic.  My husband doesn’t understand why I feel so strongly on this, but I think he may feel differently if we actually have a child through IVF. He doesn’t think anyone in his church would actually be against it, but it is the principle of it for me. Luckily he’s supportive of joining a protestant church instead (which we had considered at one point for other reasons anyway).

Moving on, since I don’t usually post over the weekend I just wanted to wish you all well on this difficult weekend!  Let’s all just hope and pray that next year at this time we will all get to enjoy the celebration as moms or moms-to-be!