I just want to puke my brains out…

After being through 3 previous miscarriages, it’s pretty hard to “stay calm” in future pregnancies. Since this pregnancy was basically a miracle for us (the only time in 3 years I’ve gotten pregnant on my own), I’ve actually been fairly calm. It’s felt like this is meant to be and I need not worry. Well that was all fun and sweet until……I consulted Dr Google. 

Last pregnancy I had found a great website with all these crazy abundant miscarriage facts. Wanting to know my odds, I sought it out again. (Why the hell do I care about odds? Clearly we defy them all! Hell just the fact that I’m pregnant with identical twins is enough of a defy-r (only .3% of babies are identical twins!) not to mention somehow getting pregnant with NO drugs and LITTLE sex). I wanted to know what OUR odds are since we heard healthy heartbeats (most odds don’t take RPL into account). I managed to find it though, we have about a 82% chance that these lil guys/girls will make it. That should be enough for me, right? Ohhh nooo, I proceed to read through each and every miscarriage fact they have.

Until I find this one – “Women who experience morning sickness are 70% less likely to miscarry (the worse the better)”. I haven’t really been reading into my symptoms much since I wasn’t even smart enough to realize I was pregnant until almost 6 weeks, however it had been bothering me that I am approaching 9 weeks and have yet to really be miserable. Sure, I’ve had a few moments here and there of nausea and yeah I’ve thrown up maybe 3-4 times. However, the past few days I’ve been fine. 

I know, PLENTY of people have healthy pregnancies with no morning sickness. I know, I should be GRATEFUL I don’t feel like sh*t. But I’m not, I want a constant reminder that everything is going ok in there. I want to call in to work because I’m so miserable. I want to FEEL pregnant. 

Luckily, I have an ultrasound on Monday so I don’t have to wait TOO long to make sure they are doing ok. I know it is important for me to stay calm & positive, but after going through 3 consecutive miscarriages, that is MUCH easier said than done. 

I think I could talk myself out of worrying about the lack of morning sickness if it wasn’t twins, I mean really, shouldn’t I be fairly miserable? I mean sure, I’ve been a little moody, a little tired, and my boobs are a little sore. But I want to REALLY FEEL IT! I also hate wishing away my weekend so that I can get closer to the ultrasound. I also hate the pre-ultrasound waiting. I’ve had too many horrible outcomes at ultrasounds to ever really enjoy them. Ugh, it’s making me dread it already. 

Assuming all is well, I am going to BEG for one last ultrasound with my clinic. My OBGYN is not very liberal with ultrasounds and I really need assurance that they are fine every 2-3 weeks to prevent me from going crazy. If they won’t, I may not see them again until week 20 and that just won’t do. We actually looked into buying an ultrasound machine – THAT is how nuts we are at this point. 

I’d just like to be able to enjoy this, just for a second.

 

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7ish week ultrasound

Today was a big day for us. Today was the day we hoped to see our babies heartbeats! From the studies I’ve read, the heartbeat at 6-7 weeks can tell you a lot about the health of the pregnancy (if you want to read more you can do so here.) Coming off of a miscarriage where the heartbeat was always in the “borderline” group – I felt like today was wildly important.

My biggest fear is that they’d be in the low end of the borderline group and I’d spend the next however many weeks waiting for the end. You’d think I’d be most afraid of no heartbeat at all, and while that would be terrible, I just don’t handle false hope well at this point. So, we went into today’s appointment with a TON of anxiety. They also bumped me up from 2 pm to 9 am (scheduling conflicts on their end) which for some reason caused me a lot of stress (granted I was happy to go in earlier).

At last -I was finally sitting on the table waiting for the doctor to come on in. He came in and said that we were looking for a heartbeat today (yes – singular heartbeat, I got the sense he was skeptical of his partners diagnosis of identical twins). I probably could have puked from my nerves during the 30 seconds between wand insertion and seeing the ultrasound. There they were, two little fluttering hearts. “Huh, sure enough. Identical twins” he said in obvious disbelief. This was a slight relief, but I still waited for the magic heartrate number (I probably should mention – 120 is the magic number for 6.3-7 weeks). We actually got to hear their heartbeats which surprised and delighted me. However they sounded soo slow, I was so sure he was going to say like 60bpm or something awful like that.

So Baby A – measuring in at 7mm…..drum roll please…..a lovely 121 bpm heartrate. Baby B – measuring at 6.2mm (one day smaller than their sibling) and a perfect 120 bpm. Truthfully I still can’t believe it. I think we can officially call this a miracle now.

I hope you all know how humbled we are by the road that got us here and that we don’t take a moment of this for granted. Although we still have a long way to go, this does feel different than our last 3 pregnancies.

We have another ultrasound on 6/30 to make sure each twin has its own amniotic sac (this would greatly lower risks to the babies). Only about 1% of identical twins share the same amniotic sac, but we tend to defy the odds ( .3% of babies born are identical twins ) so that doesn’t give us much comfort. However I have promised myself that I won’t let that little detail spoil my relief from hearing those perfect heartbeats.

I know I keep saying the next post will be my last, but I feel the need to let you all know that things are going alright. So I’m thinking I will post once we find out about the amniotic sac situation and perhaps again at the conclusion of the first and second trimester. Thank you all for your hopes, prayers and finger crossings. We so greatly appreciate all of your support. I have and will continue to follow all of your journeys in the meantime! Good luck to you all!

Well, I didn’t expect THAT

Yesterday was my 6ish week ultrasound. We had mentally been trying to prepare for all possible scenarios. Even though my betas were good, the ultrasound is just so much more important. It was at 4:15 yesterday so I had to spend the ENTIRE day dreaming up every possible scenario. Luckily I had an acupuncture appointment over lunch so that helped calm me a little bit. Regardless around 3pm I started to lose it again. I honestly thought I had prepared for every scenario – 

  • Ectopic Pregnancy 
  • A gestational sac but no yolk or fetal pole (miscarriage)
  • A gestational sac with a yolk (ultrasound was too early)
  • A goofy looking gestational sac with a yolk (eventual miscarriage)
  • A gestational sac, yolk, and fetal pole with no heartbeat (unknown)
  • A gestational sac, yolk, and fetal pole with a crappy heartbeat (eventual miscarriage)
  • A gestational sac, yolk, and fetal pole with so-so heartbeat (very nervous/anxious me)
  • A gestational sac, yolk, and fetal pole with strong heartbeat (possible successful pregnancy)

So I was prepared, right? WRONG, so, so wrong. The doctor comes in with a resident. The resident initially does the ultrasound, seeing a perfectly round gestational sac and a yolk. The doctor thought she could see where the fetal pole might be, but that it was too early and that I was only 5.5 weeks as I suspected. But the doctor wanted to give it a try so she took over for the resident. Here’s how it went

Doctor – Oh, there looks to be a second yolk sac

Me – What does that mean?

Doctor – Twins

Husband – Like….identical twins?

Doctor  – Yes!

Me – Could it mean anything else?

Doctor – Nope!

Ummm yeah….ok! Neither of us have identical twins in our families and if you’ll recall this was a NON MEDICATED CYCLE! WTF! Just when I thought I couldn’t be any more surprised than last week. Besides being even more shocked than we already were, we are overall happy that we could have two babies. I am of course terrified of all the increased risk (preterm labor, preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, etc etc etc). But all of those concerns are a long way off still, we have other things to worry about now (will we see two hearbeats next week?).

So, I think I will update you guys one more time next week after the next ultrasound and then I’ll go into the RPL shadows of pregnancy. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and thoughts, they are clearly working so far!

Beta 2

I rushed around like a crazy lady this morning to get to the lab to get my blood drawn as soon as possible. Wait wasn’t too bad and I made it to work 30 minutes before my first meeting. Then came the hours of refreshing the lab result website to see what our number was this time. We had decided if it was anything less than 6,000 we wouldn’t be hopeful. 

Thankfully I had lunch plans with friends to stop me from checking the website for a while. I only texted husband 3 times during lunch to see if the results came back, nothing. On my way back to my desk I saw that my RE office had called, which must mean my numbers were in. I asked husband if he had checked and he hadn’t even noticed they came through yet, sheesh! I had a suspicion the number was at least decent because nurse who left me the message sounded way to perky to be calling with bad news. Anyway – 7440 was our second beta, so my hcg levels are doubling appropriately. 

Since you know, I didn’t know I was pregnant until like DAYS ago, I am already “overdue” for my first ultrasound (as the nurse put it). Got that scheduled for tomorrow already, 4:15 (perfect time, that way we can go home right after). Which I am so thankful for as I know the ultrasound is much more telling of the health of the pregnancy than the bloodwork. We MAY feel some relief/enjoyment if that goes well. 

This is the 4th time we’ve been to this point, so there just really isn’t much joy to be had anymore. I am so thankful we get another chance and I am extra grateful that this all happened as a mysterious chance. Unfortunately RPL has robbed all of the fun out of the process. We know all too well how this could end.

I will do an update after the ultrasound tomorrow and let you know if all looks well. If it does, I’ll be taking a break from blogging until I either miscarry or deliver. I may occasionally post if I have a scare (seeing blood or something) but no belly shots, craving updates, or “baby is the size of a whatever” updates from me. 

I will continue to read all of your journeys, hoping and praying the best for each of you. 

2 more minutes

I was 2 minutes from leaving to get my bloodwork when the clinic called. The conversation went something like this –

Nurse – We got your HCG beta back, your number was 3140.

Me – Ok, that seems low.

Nurse – Oh no, anything above 5 is good.

Me – Yeah but isn’t that when you do a beta right at 14 dpo? I am like 30 dpo, shouldn’t it be higher?

Nurse – Oh no, this is a very good number. Congratulations! Just go back on Monday and repeat an then we’ll get your ultrasound set up if everything still looks good

Me – ………………….ok………………………

So I guess I’ll wait until Monday to do the next beta. Any number I would have gotten back today wouldn’t have given me any peace anyway. However this lady is a moron (how is that possible?) if you are 30 dpo, a 7 beta would NOT BE OK! Oh well, whatever. I guess this is “good news”. Now we just have to be patient. Luckily we have a jam packed weekend and won’t have to stew on this all weekend. I’ll keep you ladies posted. Sorry for the excessive posting, but this is just about the most effed up thing yet in my journey. 

What’s in a number?

So I’m going back for another beta today. I know you technically should wait two days, but we’re out of town tomorrow. Plus, my clinic hasn’t even called me back to tell me what to do now that we got the first beta back. Gee thanks guys. The only reason I know what the first beta number was is because I got it drawn through the hospital rather than my clinic so I was able to check the results online. 

I know they say the doubling of the HCG is more important than the actual number itself. Which I do agree with, but when I compare my numbers to my last pregnancy, they just seem so low. Granted that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, so I guess I shouldn’t go by that. After some extensive googling I’ve decided I will be semi-sorta-kinda-optimistic that I could STILL be pregnant if my number has increased by 25% since yesterday.

The number we’re hoping for? 3800. If it’s 3800 or higher, I’ll hang on to some hope. If its between 3300-3800 I’ll be stuck in ambiguity land. And if its the same or lower than yesterdays 3140, I’ll know it’s time to call it. 

Still can’t believe I was even pregnant to begin with. Oh the irony. My husband is texting me the results (hopefully he’ll be feverishly hitting the refresh button) while I am hopefully taking my mind off all this at dinner and a play with my mom and sister (mom has no idea about any of this, sister does). As soon as I get home, I’ll post a quick update. 

Crazy 4 hours.

I got my bloodwork results – 3140. I should be around 5 weeks and 3-5 days. I know that number is way too low, but we will wait and see what the clinic says tomorrow. What a nightmare.

A letter to my husband

Sweetheart-

I am so sorry. I really, really messed up. I let my pessimism and bitterness take over. Cheapness was also a factor, but I think it was really the pessimism to blame. I should have paid for the $100 prometrium instead of the $5 provera. I should have taken another pregnancy test before I started the provera. But I didn’t. Because I am pessimistic, bitter and cheap and I thought I knew what was best. I was so wrong and now it’s probably going to cost us.

I took that dollar store pregnancy test at work after we had lunch togther. I snuck in the box and a styrofoam cup in a meijers bag under my arm. I peed in the cup and used the little eye dropper to squirt my pee into the small little window (this is why they only cost a dollar). As I’m not accustom to the cheaper tests, I kept checking to make sure I was reading it right. Positive. A big fat undeniable positive. My first reaction was horror. A flashback of all the beers & hot dogs I’ve had, the medications I’m not taking, and the time I wasted not doing the right things all blazed through my mind.

Then I realized, it’s a stupid dollar store test, it’s just wrong. Obviously I can’t actually be pregnant. So I told you I was going to talk to someone about something (I don’t even know what anymore) and that I had a meeting. But really it was so that I could run to target and buy the best test money can buy. I knew I couldn’t tell you as you were already so exhausted from your big day. Besides, how would you explain leaving/being distracted to your coworkers after this morning? So I hope you understand why I waited until 5 to tell you.

Back to target, I bought the new fancy tests where they tell you how far along you are. While I stood, not taking my eyes off the tests for even a  moment, I thought that surely this test would do what the stupid dollar store pregnancy test failed to do – be accurate. “Pregnant – 2-3 weeks”. Alright, fancy digital prediction test must speak the truth. So….now what?

Damn near in tears I called the clinic. I was hoping to come in for an ultrasound today, but apparently even when you’re hysterical they stick to their protocol – bloodwork & then bloodwork 2 days later & THEN an ultrasound. So we won’t really know what damage I’ve done until then. I feel like I’m already crampy and I swear I saw a little pink when I wiped after the target test. How ironic. Less than 3 hours ago I was praying for pink and now it’ll kill me. Anyway I went and got the bloodwork, but I don’t think those numbers will really tell us all that much. I don’t think they ran for my progesterone level which is all I really wanted, stupid nurse.

I think I’m most upset because this is shatters everything I thought I knew. I think I just said to another blogger – maybe even yesterday – I hate the mythical stories of “that couple” who gets pregnant having sex one time, on a break from treatment, with no meds, right before doing IVF or adoption or whatever and now they have a healthy baby. When we’ve heard those stories we all roll our eyes and say “ya right”. Ok well that’s us now honey, we defy all sensible logic. Well maybe not the healthy baby part, but the crazy how did it happen pregnancy.

I am certain all this will be is just a delay for IVF and a crazy story.  Well, I guess I can’t say I’m certain, I’m not certain of anything anymore. I’m so sorry I wasn’t on top of this. I’m sorry that we’ll probably lose this baby because I wasn’t on prometrium in time. I will be the best incubator possible from this moment on, but I just can’t help fearing its too late. Sorry I’m telling you I’m pregnant via a blog post, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have believed me any other way.

Love you,

Me

AF, you’re a miserable bitch

99% of the time, the crimson tide is the antithesis of what we hope for in our infertility journeys. However in certain scenarios, we need shark week to be on in order to proceed. If you’ll recall, I took my last provera LAST FRIDAY. That was FIVE DAYS AGO! Please help me understand why I have yet to get my monthly visitor

Last night I went to bed with some slight cramping in my lady parts. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and the cramps were still there enough. They were strong enough that I was FLOORED when there was not even the slightest of pinks on the toilet paper. Nothing wakes you up like finding out you were not invited to the red party at Club Menses. Today the cramps are totally gone and still no invite. 

I JUST WANT TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! I think I’ll call the RE office tomorrow and see what I should do. I’d call today but I don’t want to be told that I have to take another rag-starter that will last another 10+ days. I should have asked for aygestin from the start since I’ve had success with that in the past, but I figured all red river-starters were about the same. GAHHH! 

This is just so infuriating because man, if my body can’t even do this right, how can I expect it to ever make/carry a baby? Hoping that all my anger/irritation today is because I’m checking into the Red Roof Inn and this is all just PMS. However I’m pretty sure this is justified frustration, so maybe not.

Euphemism for period = 8

 

 

Oh STFU

I have this “friend” that posts all of her whining, complaining, poor me, bad day, bitching, gossip  dirty laundry on facebook. For the most part, we have fun with it. Husband and I like to play this game we call “Guess who said this?”. One of us reads an obnoxious facebook post and the other has to guess who posted it. She’s been the correct answer at least 50% of the time, if that gives you a frame of reference to the extent of her posts. She’s been married for around 6 months (to a good friend of my husband, who we both really love, which is why we tolerate her) and we believe (based on her oversharing on facebook) they’ve been trying to get pregnant for perhaps the last 3-4 months AT MOST. 

Recently she posted an article on facebook about a woman going from a wife to a mommy and tagged her husband said “are you ready for this? lol”.  Then the following conversation happened in the comments – 

Friend of hers – “are you preggo?”

“Friend” – “no, are you?”

Friend of hers – “no”

“Friend” – “Well hopefully soon for both of us.”

Ok I know, it’s not that bad. But this sort of thing drives me CRAZY. I can’t even put my finger on exactly why, but I know approximately 6.4 eyerolls occurred while reading this. Mostly because, SHE’S BEEN TRYING FOR MERE MINUTES! I think it’s also because I know she’s going to either be the most annoying pregnant woman EVER or the whiniest “feel bad for me” IF person in the ENTIRE WORLD. I can see her pregnant posts now –

“I’m 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant today! I feel so sick, it’s like I’m dying. The only thing that made me happy today is spending 6 hours shopping for maternity clothes! Ugh I have to go throw up for the billionth time today!”

“Only 187 days until we meet our baby! Check out this mobile I made for the nursery. Isn’t it like the cutest thing ever? I am so talented and crafty because I can copy ideas off pinterest!” 

Or the IF posts –

“I can’t believe we’ve been trying for a whole SEVEN MONTHS and not gotten pregnant. I even stopped drinking pop (except for 4 on the weekends). I wish people would pay more attention to my problems.”

“Ugh another negative! I’ve had to buy TWO boxes of pregnancy tests, those things are expensive! Speaking of expensive, my copay to see my OBGYN was $25! UGH!”

Ok, ok so those are a bit tongue and cheek, but I bet I’m not THAT far off. I’d block her, but then what material would we use for “Guess who said that?”